From Wanderer to Fixed Life: An Overdue Update

Hi, quick note: I recognize this post is mostly for myself, since it’s beyond late for a recap of last year. But I spent too many hours and months working on this at the coffee shop between two jobs to not go through with publishing it, and my OCD prevents me from writing the million other posts I want to write until this is off my plate so, here we are. Enjoy.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
– Zora Neale Hurston

2018 was wild. I realize we are halfway through 2019, but I’ve enjoyed taking my time and space to unpack all that’s happened in the last year-plus.

After I left New Zealand, I returned to the life I knew best: one lived out of a suitcase and filled with aggressive, nonstop, push-me-to-my-limits kind of travel. But this time, I lasted less than eight months before crashing and burning.

Once I finished my Olympics contract, I quickly began to feel…aimless. For the next few months I overcompensated for my Wellington stagnancy by throwing my head and heart and suitcase all over the damn place and boy, did that not work. Ultimately, internal screaming about things like Purpose?? and What’s Next, Because This Ain’t It? became too constant to ignore.

It feels like I lived three different lives in three 2018s; fittingly madcap in a third-life-crisis kinda way. In putting together this post, I couldn’t believe how much I crammed into the weeks and months. For years I’ve talked about needing to find more balance… this was not that year.

However, if I had to create a word cloud for 2018, the boldest words would undoubtedly be: Reunions. Roots. Priorities. Friendship. Love.

(and of course: packing, travel, packing, travel, ad infinitum)

What I will remember and treasure most from 2018, though, is every friend who showed up to spend time with me — whether for an hour for coffee, or a week or more as I co-opted their couches and living rooms.

(To be a nerd, 93% of last year’s destinations were chosen solely based on which friends I wanted to pay house calls to where — and having the luxury of time to do such a thing will never not be itinerancy’s greatest gift.)

I may have experienced a whole circus of emotions last year, but lonely was never one of them.

So what follows is a very long, overdue recap post of 2018. To anyone who messaged if I was still alive / what the heck I was up to, or anyone wanting to scroll through photos of my face in 18 countries and 11 states: here you go. 

JANUARY : NEW ZEALAND, SINGAPORE, SOUTH KOREA

As my year in New Zealand came to a close, I spent my final days in the country saying goodbyes in Wellington and Auckland before jetting off to Singapore to see old mates and load up on sunshine. Then it was onto South Korea for Olympics #5; I spent a few days getting acclimated in Seoul before settling into PyeongChang for seven weeks.

Highs:

• New Year’s barbecues, farewell meals, and one last beach-side drink sesh with my favorite Kiwis gave me fond parting memories of Wellington after a year that hadn’t always been kind
• An old Shanghai teammate recognized me having a drink on the streets of Auckland during my short layover — this country is so small?! — and our impromptu catchup drinks made me nearly miss my flight
• Exploring the dive bar scene in Singapore, which led to a Hangover-style night out with strangers and morning-after recovery dip in the MBS Infinity Pool with said strangers
• Taking advantage of Seoul’s proximity to go on food excursions in the weekends before the Games
• Skiing for the very first time! with French & Brazilian colleagues on the slopes of South Korea

Lows:

• Financial knots I never quite untangled, because NZ insisted on being a struggle till the very end
• Being assaulted in Singapore. After a decade of solo travels without major incident, I was furious I’d “let” it happen. But coming on the heels of that difficult Kiwi year, in a way it let me say good riddance to 2017 with finality AND perversely laid a foundation for what became a very positive and growth-fueled year
• The coldest winter I’ve experienced in memory. In PyeongChang, -10C felt warm.

FEBRUARY : SOUTH KOREA

Most of February was spent around the venues of PyeongChang. Though one of the more challenging Olympics I’d worked professionally, it was one of the most enjoyable, personally. When all was done and dusted, I returned to Seoul to ease the transition out of South Korea, before heading into an unknown / unplanned future, again.

Highs:

• Imposter Syndrome begone! This was the first Games I felt confident in my ability and belonging
• The usual Olympic highs: seeing old industry friends, watching world class athletes perform, Opening and Closing ceremonies, being surrounded by ALL THE CULTURES and languages
• Working with the best of the best in the world (photographers, journalists, project managers) reignited a drive and motivation in me that had fallen dormant in New Zealand

Lows:

• Trying snowboarding for the first time. I don’t like being bad at things and it…was bad
• Losing my favorite sweater on my way out of PyeongChang. When you live out of a suitcase every item carries multitudes of meaning, and that sweater had traveled the world with me since high school (plus I also lost a nice sweater in Rio! So this trend sucks)
• Not taking care of myself, in typical Games-time fashion; thus my last two days in Seoul were spent recovering in a rusty hostel bed instead of eating all the BBQ and bibimbap.

MARCH : CHINA, VIETNAM, SINGAPORE, SWITZERLAND, USA

The crazy one: spanning five countries across three continents, March felt like a whole darn season in a few short weeks. This month was one of my favorites.

Highs:

• Taking advantage of China’s 144-hour transit visa to return to Shanghai for the first time since leaving in 2015. I said hello to loved ones, and saw my grandmother for what would turn out to be our last-ever encounter :(
• Falling in love with Hanoi. I holed up in the Vietnamese capital for 2.5 weeks for my traditional post-Olympics wind down, and about sparking joy: that city makes me feel alive
• Winning the All-Vietnam Gaelic Football championships. We beat Saigon on very little sleep (and sobriety), I met another Irish ambassador, then explored Ho Chi Minh City‘s craft beer & cocktail scene till sunrise
• Flying to Singapore just for dinner (speakeasy tacos and mezcal, unexpectedly)
• Flying to Zurich just for breakfast, where an Estonian barman fed me free coffee and beer
• Returning to San Francisco for the first time in eight years and seeing it through new eyes
• Joining strangers for ad lib food adventures across all the continents! Meeting randoms from the internet continues to be one of my favorite things to do
• Publications: seeing my face in this Kiwi cookbook and my first byline in AFAR! (Talking about Gaelic football, of course; I’d done the reporting from Korea and it went live while I was playing in Vietnam)

Lows:

• Nearly missing my flight out of China: I misremembered the date(!!) and by the time I realized the error, I had only a few hours to pack my things, say goodbyes, and gtfo. Such a rookie mistake
• LOSING MY (FULLY STAMPED, MEMORY-FILLED, 80+ PAGE) PASSPORT. I still can’t talk about this, it’s too painful. Damn you, Tenderloin.

APRIL: CROSS-COUNTRY USA

Family commitments required me to be on the East Coast in May, so I spent the few weeks prior getting reacquainted with my own country. Having spent my entire adult life abroad, I realized I’d explored more of other nations than my own, and felt pretty out of touch with its current state.

April rectified that with a cross-country trip from West Coast to East, starting in San Francisco and ending in Pennsylvania, with stops to see multiple childhood friends along the way.

Highs:

• Discovering so many new personalities of my own country: Portland and its Pacific Northwest tropes; Colorado (Colorado Springs, Salida, Crested Butte, and Denver) and Southwest culture; and Wilmington, Savannah, and Charlotte for a taste of the South
• Ludacris! The man’s still got it. And for one night, I relived every school dance of the early 2000s with my high school girlfriends (none of whom have aged since 2006)
• Checking out my mom’s new life in North Carolina, and being around to help her choose a wedding dress
• Watching my sister graduate from Pitt. I still remember when she started kindergarten so… *tears*

Lows:

• Small-town Tinder is the worst Tinder, and extra the worst in North Carolina
• It’s also weird to be swiping on Tinder while helping your mom pick a wedding dress?
• Learning the hard way how (not) to drink at altitude. A quarter of a bottle of rum to yourself is rarely advised, but especially not at 7,000 ft, trust me.

MAY : USA, CANADA, IRELAND, PORTUGAL, SWITZERLAND, ENGLAND

May: another 3-continent month so full on, it felt twice as long. After a week exploring Pittsburgh, I said hello to my family in York before replacing my passport in Philadephia and returning to my happy place: Europe. I made the most of long layovers in Toronto and Dublin, celebrated turning 29 in Lisbon, paid Zurich my second visit in three months, and reunited with some of my favorites in London.

Highs:

• Getting hooked on Pittsburgh. That city has it all, I can’t stop raving about it, have you been??
• Attending my first-ever baseball game! (…with a Canadian who had to explain every detail)
• Attempting to start a new business project, which was a learning experience (I wouldn’t say it’s failed, but it’s certainly stalled for the time being)
• Utilizing back-to-back layovers to see Canada and try proper poutine for the first time, then drink pre-birthday whiskey at the Teeling distillery in Ireland
• Eating my weight in pasteis de nata and bacalhau in Lisbon, and feeling very loved by the friends who flew in to join me in the cod-venture
• Discovering I really dig Zurich! If I knew anything about banking and German, I’d totally try to live there
• Getting some closure from NZ after hanging out with Wellington friends who’d since moved to London

Lows:

• Attending a baby shower for my dad and his new wife was weird. There were many feelings, exacerbated by the many family friends asking if I was still single, and I ignored all of the above with wine
• Having to replace a passport that you were about to renew anyway, had it not been stolen a month before retirement, was just, ugh, my heart
• I didn’t know it at the time, but May was the penultimate time I got to hang out with my childhood cat, Toby. I’m glad I took as many silly photos with him as I did then, bittersweet as they are now.

JUNE : SPAIN, FRANCE, GERMANY, SWEDEN, NORWAY

The most frenzied month of them all. I was a tornado with a passport, saying goodbye as quickly as I said hello; blink and you’d miss me.

I spent five wild days in Barcelona (slept only two of ’em) then flew to Paris for my local bar’s annual birthday party and a reunion with the old gang. A friend’s move to Berlin prompted me to visit for the first time, where six days turned into eight — leaving me back in Paris for one night only, celebrating Fête de la Musique till daybreak, before immediately flying to Gothenburg to see my best friend for Midsommar. Then while trying to take a breather in Sweden, I still ended up roadtripping to Norway for a day.

Highs:

• The never-ending reunions I had left, right, and center (especially those commemorating 5- and 10-year expat friendships) — many spent reveling in how much our lives had changed, while grateful our friendships hadn’t
• Watching World Cup matches in various styles of beer gardens; bonus points for those times I watched in a country while their national team was playing
• The unexpected joy of Berlin in summer; the comforting familiarity of Paris in June. Those long lazy European picnics and wanderings and summer nights. My happy place, there was never a doubt

Lows:

• June was a tipping point. On the outside I looked like I was living my best life, but the momentum was unsustainable. Cracks in the foundation — namely, a growing sense of unhappiness and being at a loss for what was next (not to mention the physical wear and tear on my body) — were beginning to show and threatening to crumble to pieces.

JULY : SWEDEN & FRANCE

I’d originally plotted more rest time in Gothenburg, but an opportunity arose in Paris to catsit for my favorite bartenders. So I got to spend most of July not only living in my favorite arrondissement, but above my favorite bar(!) and with two cats(!!).

Highs:

• Indulging in my favorite Paris-in-July traditions: Red House’s 4th of July crawfish boil, Cinema En Plein Air screenings, picnics along Île St Louis, barbecues in French suburbs, brunches in the 11ème, and of course, Champ de Mars picnicking and firework gazing with old friends on 14 juillet
• Watching France win the World Cup and celebrating for hours with the crowds around Bastille, which was HIGH. KEY. BONKERS
• Going on “casual” first dates that felt straight out of a Wes Anderson movie because Paris
• Covering a shift at Red House! They were the bar that first introduced me to cocktail culture, and later inspired me to become a bartender, so to get behind the stick there (and in French!) — was everything coming full circle

Lows:

• Nothing major, besides general exhaustion from living out of a suitcase and, uh, is having too many dating options a thing? But seriously, this month I finally tackled hard decisions about the future then seesawed between feeling lighter for having chosen a next step, and wrapping my head around said step.

AUGUST : SCOTLAND, EAST & MIDWEST USA

I said goodbye to Europe via Edinburgh. The city, and the friends I have there, are a weighted blanket for my heart — comforting, steadying, calming — and I needed that linchpin to close out the maelstrom summer I’d had, and mentally transition to lighter seas ahead.

The next four weeks saw me falling almost-too-easily into New York City life, going home to York for my mom’s wedding, then tapping out of funemployment with one last hurrah in Chicago and a long Labor Day weekend in Denver.

Highs:

• Fringe Fest! Edinburgh in the summer! Brooklyn in the summer! East Village rooftop parties and all the Asia reunions! These three weeks were truly a magical time, and now I finally get New York’s magnetism
• Giving my mom away at her wedding, which was a small but touching affair
• Flying through Chicago just to catch a game at Wrigley — and unexpectedly falling for the city
• Seeing Jose Gonzalez and Shakey Graves live at Red Rocks: what musicians, what a venue, what a show

Lows:

• Very few; this was one of my best months. I guess this isn’t the worst problem to have, but in August my love life jumped the shark from being fairly entertaining to ‘oh crap’ complicated. In Bachelorette terms, let’s just say I was running out of roses and eyeing some fences to jump.

SEPTEMBER : DENVER

So Labor Day came and went and I…uh…didn’t.

I stayed. Moved into a house with a legit white picket fence. And started a job. In Denver. 

…Surprise! After ten years overseas — ten years of swearing up and down I’d never move back to the States — I moved back to the States.

(I’d also sworn in April that Colorado wasn’t my jam and I “could never live here” so of course, here I am.)

Highs:

• Unpacking my clothes for the first time in years and buying full-size(!) toiletries…and just finally having a proper bed and space to call my own again. I can’t tell you how mentally freeing that was
• Having pet ducks (I know?!) and getting spoiled with fresh duck eggs for breakfast every morning
• Finally answering the grand Purpose question (my god, I’ve become an Avenue Q cliché). The Denver move deserves its own post, but in short I joined AmeriCorps! And now work for a nonprofit that helps immigrants and refugees in Colorado, and no longer wake up every morning what the hell I’m doing with my life (at least, not every morning)

Lows:

• Uh, moving back to the States?? Alexa, show me an identity crisis. It took nine months for me to mention it on any of my social media platforms publicly, that’s how much I still can’t wrap my head around it.

OCT-DEC : CHICAGO, SAN FRANCISCO, NEW ORLEANS

Old habits die hard, and fixed life fits me like an itchy overcoat: physically necessary for my well-being, but always slightly uncomfortable to bear.

So as autumn settled in, I managed a few getaways from my new Denver base: I ate my way through Chicago, chased pumpkin patches in Indiana, reunited with family in San Francisco, and rang in the new year in New Orleans. 

Highs:

• Indulging in all the pumpkin and plaid clichés as I celebrated my first proper fall in a decade
• Being gifted last-minute VIP tickets to catch Stevie Wonder headline a new Denver music festival (he is, indeed, lovely and wonderful!)
• Seeing my sister in SF as we celebrated our cousin turning 30 and becoming an American citizen
• Dyeing my hair for the first time ever(!) in classic “when a woman changes her hair she’s changing her life” form
• Landing a bartending gig at a craft gin distillery in the heart of downtown Denver. I love it there and couldn’t imagine a better fit for me (and I get to drink ALL. the. gin. I. want.)
• Finally checking New Orleans off the list! The city was everything I hoped it’d be, and then some

Lows:

• I wasn’t wrong in my initial assessment: Colorado is not the state for me. People hike, like, all the time? For fun? I am very much a water person and, as feared, the mountains have brought me no joy
• The never-ending winter that began with snow in October and is still going with hail in June. I am generally miserable at any temp below 65F/18C soooo I have been quite the grumpy popsicle
• Navigating the US as an adult: relying on mediocre public transportation, figuring out the cluster that is privatized healthcare, being hyper-aware of gun violence, retraining my taste buds for American ingredients. To be honest, I’m still struggling to readjust.

***

29 was the year that both asked, and answered. Sure, the answer — moving back to the States, becoming an AmeriCorps volunteer, pivoting to the nonprofit sector — was compleeeetely out of left field.

But I had been adrift, and by the end of 2018 my fuzzy edges became more defined; my priorities came into focus. And I absolutely have the constant travel to thank for that — in particular, the majestic tapestry of friends and strangers whose company filled my days, week to week, country to country.

(*I’ve tried not to single any one friend out in this post, because then I’d have to list them all and we’d be here for another ten minutes, but y’all know who you are and I love you.)

The friends whose lives inspired me; the dates who unknowingly accompanied me on this identity crisis; the endless late nights with both spent discussing respective life paths and goals and errors and missteps and what it means to be fulfilled.

I pocketed every nugget of wisdom I picked up along the way.

Exhaustive as it was, through last year’s vagabonding I got to shadow drive a hundred lives; encounter forks in a hundred roads.

I finally learned to identify and pinpoint what, exactly, my non-negotiables look like — both for my life, and the people I want in it. Then took that knowledge to eliminate, bracket-style, everything that didn’t work for me until I found what precisely would. No settling for less.

It’s not what I pictured, and it’s certainly not perfect (or permanent). But for where I was and what I needed: I chose the right fork, for right now.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to. Any questions? Anything I’ve missed from your life while I’ve been away?

PS: the original post title was “From Nomad to Fixed Life”, but since reading this piece I am working to actively remove using the term nomad from my writing where not accurate.