A Return

I went back to Europe this summer, my first visit since the pandemic began. Revenge travel was in full swing, and Paris was at the top of my list (along with about ten million other tourists). Barcelona and Madrid sandwiched the trip on either sides; chosen deliberately as cities that I knew would be fun and comfortable, were affordable for someone earning in Thai baht, and could be scoped out for possible future moves. It was a recon mission, a treat, and comfort food for my soul all in one.

I gained a lot of insight from that six-week trip. It felt like a return to traveling, obviously, but within it a return to what makes me happy, lights me up, and an evaluation of what should come next. I felt immediately at home and relaxed in Spain and France, like slipping into old pajamas that fit just right after two years of living in starchy suits.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve treasured and am extremely grateful for my time in Thailand. It’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere as an adult(!!) and I see myself staying for a while longer. But there have been battles. And I desperately needed distance and perspective.

This summer revived a version of myself I forgot existed; I didn’t realize I had stopped smiling in Bangkok until I landed in Barcelona and couldn’t stop. And then I met up with so many friends, and there was so much love! With so much time and memory and joy shared between. The power of close community cannot be underestimated. We genuinely need other people to fill our cups, and I feel so much more myself now for it.

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There’s also been a shift in my mindset after this summer; a return to creating, let’s say, but now with a different purpose.

A few years ago at a conference, a very successful head of social media for an NFL team told me I should always be creating with my audience in mind: what is the purpose of my post? What value does it add to the viewer? There must always be a Why!

This was back when Instagram was shifting away from being just pretty pictures to becoming meaningful messages in long-form captions, and I tried to follow that advice — to the point where I often wouldn’t post if I couldn’t identify the educational component; the value-add.

But I’m starting to think…there doesn’t actually need to be a why. Writing for myself is enough of a reason. Posting a photo for my future self to look back on is enough of a reason. Memories are my why.

(If my former therapist ever finds this and reads this: it took me another year to really internalize it, but we finally got there!)

I sat on this post for a long time because I thought, what’s the purpose? It’s four paragraphs saying I went to Europe and had a good time. Here’s a photo where I think I look quite pretty. That doesn’t serve anyone, functionally. But that’s what blogging used to be for me, just journaling my days and thoughts and pretty photos I wanted to share, and I’d like to get back to that.

I love you, dear readers. I love your support, I love that you check in on me when I don’t post for months at a time (sorry, so sorry), I love when I get messages that something I’ve written has helped you on your travels. I value your internet friendship so much! And I hope you have all been keeping well these past two years.

But I’m going to try to just…blog again, in the original journaling sense. Just for me. It feels freeing and this fills my cup, too.