Expat Edna’s Style Guide to Paris Fashion Week

Fashion Week has hit Paris! A simple stroll through the Tuileries is sure to find you scores of photographers, sartorial enthusiasts, and even the occasional celebrity.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Edna, I’m not fashionable enough to even be seen near Fashion Week.” Well, you’re wrong! Any Jane, no matter how plain, can become the center of attention here. Want to get in on the action? Let me show you how!

Expat Edna’s Style Guide to Paris Fashion Week:

Let’s start with a simple outfit: To achieve this look, use your grandmother’s couch upholstery as a jacket, and add the pink wedges you bought for the big middle school dance when you were 12. Vintage!

To pay homage to the Lion King, use your old Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper stickers and recreate Rafiki’s face on your dress. Frizz your hair out like it’s the 80s all over again, and for some inexplicable reason the photogs will be all over you and your amazing sense of style.

If in doubt, make a romper out of one of your mom’s Copacabana scarves.

When going to Fashion Week with friends, try to coordinate a theme — for example, “Extras in a Cyndi Lauper music video.”

Heading to work? Try this look from the Mary Tyler Moore business wear collection.

To really get everyone’s attention, wear a black doily on your face, channel the late Michael Jackson, and start running around like a crazy cat lady as soon as you enter the Gardens. Everyone will assume you are supremely famous, and immediately chase after you.

Remember, bright orange is your friend — but it must always be paired with another bright color, or absolutely NO COLOR at all.

Don’t be afraid to go all out! When else can you wear your old Muppet pajamas, paired with the floral lining from an Asian child’s winter jacket — and be able to dye your hair to match?

Botox is recommended, preferably so that your face resembles a plate and people could eat off your cheek. Also, if you are an Asian woman, don’t be afraid to let your naturally blonde hair grow out!

Act as natural as possible: shoulders back, hips and chest out, mouth slightly agape, ankles crossed. Stay like this at all times.

And finally, know that photographers love people with blue hair.

If all else fails, remember…

Big Bird never goes out of style.

I’m definitely not this funny. Credit for most quips go to Linda H., commenter extraordinaire, who you can find attending next year’s Fashion Week in a translucent shower curtain from IKEA.

(Update: I found some legit photos of the fashion from this day. Seriously, what was up with MJ lady?)